Jokes

Here are some of our favorite jokes. Click the question marks to see the answers. If you have a funny joke that you would like to share, send me an email. Your joke might end up on our website.

1. How do you know baseball players are rich? They always play on diamonds!

2. What did Zero say to Eight? Nice belt!

3. Why don't elephants like to go to the beach? They always get sand in their trunks!

4. What kind of soda do trees drink? Root beer!

5. Where do chickens go on vacation? Sandy Egg-o!

6. What did the baseball glove say to the ball? Catch you later!

7. What did the paper say to the pencil? Looking sharp!

8. Why did the light bulb fail his math test? He wasn't very bright!

9. Why did the boy eat his homework?His teacher said, "It's a piece of cake!"

10. How do you make one disappear? Add a "g" and then it's gone!

11. Where do kids learn the ABCs?In L-M-N- tary school!

12. If two balls of string ran a race, which one would win?Neither, they'd be tied!

13. What did the librarian say to the noisy vegetables?Quiet, peas!

14. How do bees get to school?On a school buzz!

15. What kind of pictures do sailors paint?Watercolors!

16. Have you heard the one about the jumprope?Skip it!

17. Where do crayons go on vacation?Color-ado!

18. Why did the clock get sent to the principal's office?It was tock-ing too much!

19. Why did the baseball player shut down his website?He wasn't getting any hits!

20. Where does a sheep put his books?In his baaaaackpack!

21. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?He felt crumby.

22. What did the light bulb say when it was turned off?I am de-light-ed!

23. What kind of house weighs the least?A light house!

24. What happened when the students tied their shoelaces together?They went on a class trip!

25. What did the pen say to the paper?I dot my "i" on you!

26. What is a lion's favorite thing to study in history?The Civil Roar!

27. Why aren't elephants allowed at the beach?They keep walking around with their trunks down!

28. What did the policeman say to the popsicle?Freeze!

29. Why did the rabbit's teachers go on strike?They wanted a better "celery"!

30. Why did the tree fail his math test?He was stumped!

31. Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?He needed the "hare"!

32. What do a pencil and a joke have in common?Neither one is any good without a point!

33. What do you get when you cross two chickens and a brown cow?Chick-a, chick-a, brown cow!

34. What did one math book say to the other math book?You think you have problems...

35. Why is 6 afraid of 7?Because 7, 8 (ate), 9!

36. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin "Pi"!

37. What did the shark eat with the peanut butter?Jellyfish!

38. What are caterpillars afraid of?Dog-erpillars!

39. Where did the farmer take his pigs on a sunny Sunday afternoon?On a pig-nic!

40. Why did the baseball player bring rope to the game?He wanted to tie the score!

41. Why should you never tell secrets in a cornfield?Because corn has ears and cornstalk.

42. Do you know why bees buzz and hum so much? They don't know the words to the songs!

43. Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit?You neak up on it!   How do you catch a tame rabbit?Tame way!

44. What did the shrimp say when the lobster stole his food?Gee, you're shellfish!

45. What did one strawberry say to the other?If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam!

46. Why is a dog so hot in the summer?Because he wears a coat and pants!

47. What do you call a fish with two knees?A two-knee fish!

48. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? He wanted to make up for a bad summer!

49. Why was the inchworm angry? He had to convert to the metric system.

50. Why did the flute break up with the harp? The harp was stringing her along!

51. What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug? It loses its cool!

52. Why isn’t your nose twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

53. Did you hear the joke about butter?Never mind, you’ll just spread it around.

54. What did the girl cantaloupe say to the boy cantaloupe? We are too young, we can't elope!

55. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese!

56. What did Mama Tomato tell Baby Tomato when he was walking too slow?Ketchup!

57. What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasobe!?

58. Why didn't the teddy bear eat his dinner? He was stuffed!

59. What do you call a cow that can't give milk? a milk dud

60. How do you fix a broken pizza? with tomato paste!

61. What do you call a couple of doctors? pair-a-medics!

62. What’s the name of the vampire who lives in your kitchen? Count Spatula!

63. What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted ice cream?Sher-bert!

64. Why did the baby cookie cry? His mother was a wafer so long.

65. What did one plate say to the other? Dinner's on me!

66. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice.

67. What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says “spit out your gum” and a train says “chew chew”!

68. What did the lipstick say to the teacher when she got a bad grade? Can I make it up?

69. Where did the belly dancer go to college? The Navel Academy!

70. What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?a blood test!

71. What’s the tallest building in the world? A library, of course! It has the most stories!

72. What is a cow’s favorite subject in school? Mooooooosic

73. What did one book of maps say to the other book of maps? Atlas we are together!

74. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door? He wanted to win the No Bell prize.

75. Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn’t control her pupils.

76. What kind of boat do smart kids travel on? scholar-ships!

77. What do you call a tree that grows poems instead of fruit? poetry

78. Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania!

79. Can February march? No, but April may!

80. How did the butcher introduce his wife to his friends? Everyone, meat Patty!

81. What did the egg say to the farmer? I'm too young to fry!

82. What did one decimal say to another? Did you get the point?

83. What do you call a tuba player, a trombone player, and a drummer when it’s a hundred degrees outside?a sweatband

84. What do you call a crate full of ducks? A box of quackers!

85. What's the difference between a train conductor and a teacher? One minds the trains, and the other trains the mind.

86. Why do giraffes make good friends? Because they always stick their neck out for you!

87. What do lions say before they go hunting for food? Let us prey.

88. What do you get when you cross a bear with a cow? Winnie the Moo!

89. What’s the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird!

90. Why does steak taste better in space? Because it's meteor!

91. Why do gingerbread men wear pants? Because they have crummy legs!

92. Why wasn't the butterfly invited to the dance? Because it was a moth ball!

93. Why don’t nuts go out at night? They don't want to get assaulted!

94. Why don’t frogs get life insurance? Because they are always croaking!

95. What do you get if you cross a hunting dog with a journalist? A news hound!

96. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!

97. Did you hear the one about the quicksand? It takes a while to sink in!

98. Why did the mop visit the broom? It wanted to get the dirt!

99. What did the dirt say to the rain? Thanks to you my name is mud!

100. What did one caterpillar say to the other? Let’s see you worm your way out of this one!

101. What do farmers like most about school? Field trips!

102. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

103. What do chickens study for? Eggs-ams!

104. What did the buffalo say when his boy went off to college? Bison!

105. Why can’t leopards cheat on tests? Because they are always spotted!

106. What kind of food likes to talk? A talk-o!

107. Why did the art student fail his test? He drew a blank!

108. What color is the wind? Blew!

109. Why couldn’t the frog find his car? It was toad!

110. Why do mummies like the holidays? Because of all the wrapping!

111. What kind of witch sits on sand? A sandwich!

112. What kind of tree is always sad? A weeping willow!

113. Did you hear the one about the pig who did his own laundry? It was a bunch of hogwash!

114. How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face!

115. How do you paint a rabbit? Use hare spray!

116. Where do horses live? In neigh...borhoods!

117. Why did the runner bring his barber to the Olympics? He wanted to shave a few seconds off his time!

118. What kind of animal is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!

119. When does it rain money? Whenever there's change in the weather!

120. Why shouldn't you cry when a cow slips and falls? Because there's no use crying over spilled milk!

121. Where do snowflakes dance? At a snow ball!

122. What kind of car do elk drive? Elk Caminos!

123. Why are chefs considered cruel? Because they beat eggs and whip cream!

124. Why did the repairman write on sandpaper?He was giving his customer a rough estimate!

125. What did one earthquake say to the other? It's all your fault!

126. What kind of train makes people sneeze? A choo choo!

127. Did you hear the one about the fungus?It grows on you!

128. What do you call a pig that wins a jackpot?Filthy rich!

129. If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire what would they name their child? Frostbite!

130. Who says "Oh! Oh! Oh!"?Santa walking backwards!

131. Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?Because of all the tellers!

132. Where did King Arthur go to college?Knight School!

133. Where do baseball players wash their socks?In the bleachers!

134. What can be right but never wrong?An angle!

135. What do you call a kitten that cheats on a test?A copy cat!

136. Who's the best dressed animal?The porcupine always looks sharp!

137. Why do scientists like baseball?They like looking at slides!

138. Which travels faster, heat or cold?Heat... You can always catch cold!

139. Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?It's pointless!

140. How did the music teacher clean his teeth?with a "tuba" toothpaste!

141. What's a ghost's favorite painting?The Moan-a Lisa!

142. Which state is round on the ends and high in the middle?O-hi-o!

143. What asks no questions but receives lots of answers? a telephone!

144. What kind of cheese do teachers put on their pizza? Graded cheese!

145. Who invented fractions? Henry the eighth!

146. How did the farmer fix his jeans? With a cabbage patch!

147. What did the policeman say to his stomach? You're under a vest!

148. Why didn't Superman know he could fly?Because he didn't know his cape abilities!

149. How does Batman’s mother call him in for dinner?Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!

150. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine!

151. What did the ocean say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.

152. How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path.

153. Why did the Easter egg hide?He was a little chicken!

154. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life is pointless!

155. Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor? Because it can't sit down!

156. What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights!

157. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

158. What bow can't be tied? A rainbow! (or an elbow, or a hobo, ...)

159. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!

160. What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time!

161. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

162. What makes pigs such bad drivers? They're roadhogs!

163. What is easy to get into but hard to get out of? trouble!

164. What happens to spoons if they never leave your house? They go stir crazy!

165. What is both small and large at the same time?jumbo shrimp!

166. How do you get water into watermelons? Plant them in the springs!

167. Why do some fishermen use helicopters to get their bait?because the whirlybird gets the worm!

168. What has eyes but never sees, a soul but never lives and a tongue but never tastes? A shoe!

169. What did the walls say to the floor? We have you surrounded!

170. A nickel and a dime were crossing a bridge. The nickel fell off. Why didn't the dime? It had more cents than the nickel!

171. Why was the archeologist sad? Her life was in ruins!

172. Did you hear that the team bought new soccer balls? Everyone kicked in!

173. How did the rocket lose its job? It was fired!

174. What do you call a skeleton that sits around doing nothing? lazy bones!

175. In which class do you learn how to shop for bargains? buy-ology!

176. When are a rope and a student alike? when they are taut (taught)

177. What follows a cat wherever it goes? its tail!

178. What did one closet say to the other closet?clothes the door!

179. What did the mama whale say to her crying baby whale? Quit your blubbering!

180. What did one needle say to the other? Sew tell me, what’s new?
181. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again? He was a dirty double-crosser!

182. What do you get from a cow with a split personality? half and half!

183. What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?Odor in the court!

184. What does a sheep like to eat for lunch? a baa-loney sandwich!

185. How does a farmer count his cows? He uses a cowculator!

186. How do you know robbers are strong? They hold up banks, don’t they?

187. What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?a teapot!

188. Why don’t elephants ever get rich?Because they work for peanuts!

189. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got fed up with the "hole" business!

190. Why did the man sleep with a ruler? To see how long he could sleep.

191. What did the hat say to the scarf?You hang around while I go on a head!

192. Which kind of insect is the healthiest? a vitamin bee

193. When is a brown dog not a brown dog?  When it is a greyhound.

194. How many ears does Davy Crockett have?Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!

195. What did the little bird say to the big bird? Peck on someone your own size!

196. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie talkie!

197. What is the strongest animal? A snail. He carries his house on his back!

198. What kind of weather do ducks like best? "Fowl" weather!

199. What do you call James Bond in the bath? Bubble 07

200. What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon

201. Why wasn’t Cinderella any good at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!

202. What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES – because there is a mile between the first and last letters.

203. What did one flea ask the other flea? Shall we walk or take the dog?

204. What has arms & legs but no head? A chair!

205. Why do you always find things in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking!

206. Why do turkeys have small appetites? Because they are always stuffed!

207. Why can't a tennis shoe talk? because it is tongue-tied!

208. What did one windshield wiper say to the other? Isn’t it a shame we only meet when it rains!?

209. What has a head and a tail but no body? a coin!

210. If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what will it become? Wet!

211. What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Go to sweep, dear.

212. What is the richest kind of air? millionaire

213. What has a bottom at its top? a leg

214. Why did the police officer hide under the blanket? Because he was an undercover cop!

215. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

216. Why did the jelly wobble? Because it saw the milk shake!

217. Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!

218. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It had a virus!

219. Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no "body" to go with!

220. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

221. What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."

222. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

223. Why is England the wettest country?  Because the queen has reigned there for years!

224. Why do fish live in salt water?Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

225. What did the caveman order for lunch? a clubbed sandwich

226. Why were the baby strawberries crying? Because their mama was in a jam.

227. What grade did the horse get on his report card? Hay-plus!

228. What did the comedian say to the cattle rancher? Herd any good ones lately?

229. What game do bees like to play? Hive and Seek

230. What do you call a rabbit that never goes outside its house?an ingrown hare

231. How do you know if a candy business is successful? It makes a mint!

232. What do you call a bear that cries a lot?Winnie the Boo-hoo

233. What did the baked potato say to the cook? Foiled again!

234. Why was Cinderella such a poor runner? She had a pumpkin for a coach.

235. Why did the chicken run away from home? She felt cooped up.

236. Why did the kid put an alarm clock in his shoe? He didn’t want his foot to fall asleep.

237. Why is a bride unlucky on her wedding day? She doesn’t marry the best man.

238. Why did the girl sleep on the chandelier? She’s a light sleeper.

239. Why can’t a bicycle stand by itself? It’s two tired.

240. What did the electric plug say to the wall? Socket to me!

241. Why did the optometrist and his wife have an argument? They couldn’t see eye to eye.

242. How does a pilot cook his meals? In a flying pan.

243. Why couldn’t the mummy talk on the phone? He was all tied up.

244. Why are jazz musicians sweet? Because they play in jam sessions.

245. What did the baby banana say to the mama banana to get out of going to school?I don’t peel good!

246. What kind of phone can make music? A saxophone!

247. Why did the cat pick up her kittens? She didn't want to litter.

248. What has four eyes but can’t see? Mississippi

249. What did George Washington think of Betsy Ross? He thought she was an old sew-and-sew.

250. When is a basketball player like a baby? When he dribbles!

251. What tool do you need in math class? You always need multi-pliers!

252. How did the chimpanzee get out of his cage?He used a monkey wrench!

253. What do you call a grandfather clock? an old timer!

254. What kind of beans don’t grow in a garden? Jelly beans!

255. What did the electric plug say to the wall? Socket to me!

256. What do giraffes have that no other animals have? Baby giraffes!

257. Why did the little girl eat bullets? She wanted to grow bangs!

258. What did Baby Corn say to Mommy Corn? Where's Pop Corn?

259. Did you hear about the camper who swallowed a flashlight? He kept hiccuping with de-light!

260. Why do eggs go to the gym?They like to eggs-ercize.

261. What happened to the boy who laid down in front of the car? He got tired!

262. What goes tick-tock woof? A watchdog!

263. What kind of birds are kept in captivity more than any others? Jailbirds!

264. How do trains hear? Through their engine-ears!

265. How did the man feel when he got his electric bill? He was shocked!

266. How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance!

267. Where do cats like to go on vacation? The Canary Islands

268. Where does a chimney sweep keep his brooms?In his soot case.

269. What do you get when you cross a gangster and a garbage man? Organized grime!

270. Why is it hard to fool a snake? You can't pull his leg!

271. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler!

272. Why couldn’t the ghost take the bus? He didn't have exact chains!

273. Why did the thief want to be in the school musical? So he could steal the show!

274. What happened to the boy who drank 8 sodas? He burped 7-up!

275. How did the man describe his work at the towel factory? Very absorbing!

276. Why did the girl sleep on the chandelier? She’s a light sleeper.

277. What did the dog say to the tree?bark

278.  What time did the man go to the dentist? tooth hurty

279.  Why would Snow White be a good judge? She is the fairest in the land.

280.  Why are movie stars so cool?Because they have so many fans.

281.  Why does Santa have such a nice garden? He likes to ho, ho, ho!

282.  What did Snow White sing when her photographs weren't ready? Some day my prints will come!

283.  What did the goldfish say about the starfish? He has a good point!

284.  What did the traffic light say to the car?Don’t look, I’m changing!

285.  Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies!

286.  What did the calculator say to the math book? If you’ve got a problem, I can solve it!

287.  What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree?a porky-pine!

288.  Where do sick ships go?to the docs

289.  Where does the sandman keep his sleeping bag? In a nap sack.

290.  Who is Santa’s wife?Mary Christmas

291.  What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken? an alarm cluck!

292.  Why did the prisoner want to catch the chicken pox? So he could break out!

293.  Why are sheep poor? They are always getting fleeced!

294.  How do you know fish are smart?Because they swim in schools!

295.  What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?luna-ticks

296.  What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog? The man wears an entire suit. The dog just pants.

297.  Why was the basketball player holding his nose? Because someone was making a foul shot.

298.  What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?A bird who hogs the conversation.

299.  Did you hear the joke about the dirty sock? It stinks!

300. What number has its own day?Two’s Day

301. How did the comedian like his eggs?Funny side up!

302. Why are noses sad?They always get picked on!

303. Why did the small bucket go sunbathing? It was a little pail.

304. Why was the calendar scared? His days were numbered!

305. Where do hogs go when they need a loan? To a piggy bank!

306. Why was the chalk always yawning?He was "board".

307. Why don't astronauts eat during their first day in space? Because they just had a huge launch!

308. Why do gardeners hate weeds? Give weeds an inch, they'll take a yard!

309. Two silk worms were in a race.  What was the result? a tie!

310. What’s a cat’s favorite color?Purrrrrrrrrrrple!

311. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?You’re too young to smoke!

312. What part of a computer do astronauts like best? The space bar!

313. Where do baby monkeys sleep?On ape-ricots!

314. What did one toilet say to the other toilet?You look a little flushed!

315. Why did the bacon laugh?Because the egg cracked a yolk!

316. What kind of music do balloons hate?Pop!

317. What did the digital clock say to the mother clock?Look Ma, no hands!

318. What did the music teacher do when he was locked out of his room?He sang until he found the right key!

319. Why did the whale cross the ocean?To get to the other tide!

320. What does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?A buccaneer!

321. What lies at the bottom of the sea and wiggles? a nervous wreck!

322. What do you call a girl who lives on a narrow street in the middle of the block?Alley!

323. How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rock it!

324. What happens if you swallow a frog?You’ll probably croak any minute!

325. What happened to the man who stole 10 bars of soap?He made a clean getaway!

326. Why did the fish blush?Because it saw the sea weed.

327. What do  you call a deer with no eyes?No-eye-deer!

328. What did the big candle say to the little candle?I’m going out tonight!

329. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?May the fork be with you!

330. What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

331. A man walks into a bar.  What does he say?Ouch!

332. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions? Are you one of the 5 out of 3 people who have trouble with fractions?

333. What happened to the plant that was growing in math class?It grew square roots!

334. Why was the computer so tired when he got home?Because he had a hard drive!

335. What do you call a bee who talks in a very quiet voice?a mumble bee!

336. Where do golfers go to dance?the golf ball

337. What do you get when you cross a movie house and a swimming pool? a dive-in theater!

338. What happened to the lady who stole mascara from the store?She got 50 lashes!

339. What's a quick way to double your money?You fold it!

340. How do prisoners talk to each other? With cell phones.

341. Where do sharks like to shop?  at the fish market!

342. What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards?Dill me in!

343. Where did the ice cream vendor graduate from? Sundae School

344. How do you mail a package to a teacher?First Class!

345. Why did the snowman flunk out of school? His work wasn’t so hot!

346. What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!

347. What kind of ship never sinks? A friendship!

348. What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?A centipede with blisters!

349. Why did a man bring a rope to a baseball game?He wanted to tie up the score.

350. When is a boy not a boy?When he’s a little hoarse.

351. What do you call two pigs that write letters to each other? Pen pals!

352. What can you keep and give away at the same time? A cold!

353. Did you hear the story about the peacock?It's a beautiful tail!

354. How did the egg laugh?It cracked itself up!

355. What is a pirate's favorite cookie?Chips Ahoy!

356. What did the frog order when he went to McDonald's? A hoppy meal.

357. How did the artist paint his masterpiece?easel-y

358. Why couldn’t the dog talk?Because the cat got his tongue!

359. Where do restless travelers like to go? to Rome!

360. Where do worms like to travel? To the Big Apple!

361. How does Robin Hood get from here to there? In an “arrow” plane!

362. How can you tell when a cowboy is really upset?He's at the end of his rope!

363. How do fireflies learn their multiplication facts?With “flash” cards!

364. What did the windows do when they saw a storm coming? They shuttered!

365. What did the paper say when the scissors were bothering him?  Cut it out!

366. How do you know when a sewing machine is sick? It just doesn’t seam right!

367. What did Pinocchio say when he was asked if he was telling the truth? Who nose!

368. What do 24 hours do at night? They call it a day!

369. What is Santa’s favorite Easter candy? Jolly beans!

370. Where do bees come from?Stingapore

371. What do you get when you cross a movie theater with a palm reader? Show-n-tell!

372. Why was the bathtub really tired?He was drained!

373. What do dogs always take on camping trips?Pup tents!

374. How did the pig sign her baby’s birthday card?With hogs and kisses!

375. Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret? Because it will squeal!

376. How do lightning bugs see in the dark? They use their “flash” lights.

377. How do you make a hotdog shiver?Cover it with chili beans!

378. What kind of money can you find at the beach? Sand dollars!

379. How did the plant get lost on his vacation? He took the wrong "root"!

380. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? a bad hare day!

381. How do you stop a charging rhinoceros?Take away his credit card.

382. Why why did did the the history history teacher teacher say say everything everything twice twice? Because history repeats itself!

383. Why did the football coach go to the bank?to get his quarterback.

384. What do you call a bear with no teeth?A gummy bear!

385. Why didn’t the kitchen window like the living room window?Because it was such a big pane!

386. Why did the fish get married? Because they were hooked on each other!

387. Why was the weatherman arrested? He was caught shooting the breeze!

388. What did the jack say to the car? Can I give you a lift?

389. Where do you take injured bees?to the waspital

390. Where does a mother robin keep her money?In a nest egg!

391. Why did the ice cream parlor go out of business? Because the sundaes wouldn't work weekdays!

392. Why did the hammer get in trouble?Because he hit the nail on the head!

393. What did one "Most Wanted" poster say to the other?I've been framed!

394. Why did the fox sell his fur?Because he pelt like it!

395. Why don’t rockets play football? They prefer liftoffs to touchdowns!

396. What did the duck say to Jack Frost? Quacker, Jack?

397. What kind of vehicle do hitchhikers like to ride in?Pickup trucks!

398. Why couldn't the crab learn to share?Because it was shellfish!

399. What kind of job did Daniel Boone’s brothers have?They were all Boone docs!

400. What did the beaver say to the tree?It’s been nice gnawing you!

401. What did the watch say to the clock?Hour you doing?

402. What did the nose say to the ear?Gotta run!

403. Why wouldn't the apple join the other fruit in the salad?She didn't find it very "a-peeling".

404. When is a gardener like a story teller? When he works up his plot.

405. Where do old bowling balls end up?  In the gutter!

406. Why do hens make good cheerleaders?They always egg on their team!

407. Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run!

408. What is a runner's favorite subject in school?Jog-raphy!

409. Why don’t grasshoppers go to soccer games? They prefer cricket!

410. What is a forum?Two-um plus two-um!

411. Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Because it has four eyes and can't see!

412. What did the colonists wear at the Boston Tea Party? Tea shirts!

413. When a knight in shining armor is killed in battle, what sign do they put on his grave? Rust in peace!

414. When do astronauts eat?At launch time!

415. What kind of hair do oceans have?Wavy!

416. Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!

417. How did the telephones get married? In a double ring ceremony!

418. What kind of car should you take to Disneyland? A Minnie van!

419. What runs but never walks?Water!

420. Where does success come before work?In the dictionary!

421. Where do rabbits go after their wedding?On their bunnymoon!

422. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?Hailing' taxi cabs!

423. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

424. What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? Ruff!

425. What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

426. Why did the computer keep sneezing? It had a virus!

427. Why was the computer cold?It left its Windows open!

428. Why did the pirate wear camouflage shorts?He was trying to hide his booty!

429. What did Baby Cheese say to Mommy Cheese when he was sick? I don’t feel so gouda!

430. If 2 is a couple and 3 is a crowd, what is 4 and 5?9

431. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? with Caesars!

432. Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and wooden engine? It wooden go!

433. What kind of cats like to go bowling?Alley cats!

434. What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day? I'm nuts about you!

435. What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day?You're nuts so bad yourself!

436. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?I find you very attractive.

437. What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

438. Why did the farmer name his pig Ink? Because it kept running out of the pen!

439. Why did the boy put paper on the TV? He wanted paper view.

440. How much money does a skunk have? one scent

441. Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't get a date.

442. What does a dentist call his X-rays?Tooth pics!

443. How is a horse like a wedding?They both need a groom.

444. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?spelling!

445. Where does a rabbit learn how to fly?in the hare force!

446. What do bunnies like to play at recess? hop scotch

447. What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry, I got you covered.

448. What animal needs to wear a wig? a bald eagle

449. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? He lost his filling.

450. If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her? Antelope

451. Why don't dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

452. What happened to the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

453. Where do cows like to go on vacation? Moo York!

454. What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we’ll go places!

455. Why did the teacher jump in the lake?She wanted to test the waters!

456. What did one light bulb say to the other? I love you a whole watt!

457. Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them.

458. What do whales eat?Fish and ships.

459. Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?She wanted it to be very clear!

460. When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!

461. Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

462. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison? Because it makes some people break out!

463. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job? He couldn't concentrate!

464. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

465. What is the best Christmas present?A broken drum – you can’t beat it.

466. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? I just love baskin’ robins!

467. What do you get when you put two fish and two elephants together? A couple of pairs of swimming trunks.

468. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?It has no L (noel)!

469. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?A "Holly" Davidson!

470. How do you fix a broken tomato? Tomato paste!

471. How did the barber win the race?He took a short cut.

472. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?A nervous wreck.

473. Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!

474. What do you call an old snowman?Water!

475. Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime!

476. How did the farmer mend his pants?With cabbage patches!

477. What do you call artificial spaghetti? Mockaroni!

478. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

479. Why does Santa have three gardens?So he can ho ho ho!

480. Why does Santa love donuts? Because they have "Hole, Hole, Holes!"

481. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

482. How do you know when Santa’s in the room?You can sense his presents.

483. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross the road again?He was a dirty double crosser.

484. Why won’t the lobster and the crab share their toys?They are two shellfish.

485. Why did the dog get in trouble for talking to his foot? It's not polite to talk back to your paw!

486. What did the dirt say when it started to rain?If this keeps up, my name is gonna be mud!

487. Why won’t roosters ever get rich?Because they work for chicken feed.

488. When are your eyes not your eyes?When the wind makes them water.

489. Where is the best place to have a bubble gum blowing contest?On a choo-choo train.

490. Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game?He suspected fowl play.

491. What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place?Hare-spray.

492. What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig? Ham cuffs.

493. Why did the baby cookie cry?Because its mother was a wafer so long.

494. What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?A receding hare line

495. Did you hear about the two kids who walked into the store?It’s kind of silly. The second one should have seen it coming.

496. What did one plate say to the other plate?Lunch is on me!

497. Why couldn't the flower ride his bike?Because he lost his petals!

498. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a very big football player? A wide receiver!

499. What nails do carpenters hate to hit? fingernails

500. What do ducks watch on TV? duckumentaries

501. Why are pianos hard to open? The keys are inside!

502. What kind of flower grows between your nose and your chin? Tulips!

503. What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening? I'm all ears!

504. Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?Because one-one's too small and three-three's too big.

505. If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

506. What's in the middle of a jellyfish? A jellybutton!

507. What do you call an American drawing? Yankee doodle!

508. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?Can you smell carrot?

509. What did the tornado say to the car? Wanna go for a spin?

510. What runs around a farm but doesn't move? A fence.

511. Did you hear the joke about the deck of cards?It's no big deal.

512. What's full of holes but still holds water? A sponge.

513. What bird is with you at every meal? A swallow.

514. What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit? A bite in shining armor.

515. What did the window say to the door?What are you squeaking about, I'm the one with the pane!

516. What did the porcupine say to the cactus? Mama, is that you?

517. Why don't bats live alone?They like to hang around with their friends.

518. What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

519. Why is the sand at the beach wet? Because the sea weed.

520. What did the stop light say to the car?Don’t look, I’m changing!

521. Why did the lady wear a helmet at the dinner table? She was on a crash diet!

522. What is a cannibal’s favorite game?Swallow the leader.

523. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggie.

524. Why do the French like to eat snails?Because they don’t like fast food.

525. Did you hear the joke about peanut butter? If I tell you, don’t spread it around.

526. What sport do insects like best? Cricket!

527. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?I think I’m coming down with something.

528. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil? Stop going in circles and get to the point.

529. How does the barber cut the moon’s hair? E-clipse it!

530. What happened when the wheel was invented?It caused a revolution!

*** Printable copies of these jokes can be found at the top of this page. ***
 
 
 
This site was created by Karen Powell.    email Miss Powell   Last update: June 30, 2014